Money and Food

I have such a weird....thing about money and food.

I feel guilty every time I eat.  So we can start with that.

I also feel guilty every time I spend money.

So....going shopping for food = fun times!111!!!!!1!11!

I hate grocery shopping.

I palpate fruit.  I fondle vegetables.  I run my hands lovingly over pretty, elegant cardboard packaging.  I hold things up to the light, read labels.  I put things in my cart.  Put them back on the shelf.  Go get them again.  Get two of them.  Put one back.  Go get three.  Put them all back.

Sometimes I think that the thing, this one thing, that I am buying will Make Everything Okay.  I will enjoy this food without guilt.  I will eat this beautiful thing and all will be right in the universe, the stars and planets will align, and all my anxiety will cease.

Sometimes this simple process of replenishing the fridge and pantry can take....hours.

I like the idea of eating beautiful, organic, expensive, healthy vegan food.  In tiny amounts.  Splurging on some ridiculously expensive thing, say, a lemon orzo salad (which I know I can make at home for a fraction of the cost) or a lovely tiny vegan chocolate torte.  And taking it home and dividing it into tiny bites and enjoying each one as a little feast.

This is best done in a tiny tiny bowl, with a tiny tiny spoon.

Aside from this weirdness, I've never engaged in ritualistic eating behaviors.  I'm usually so freaked out by the entire idea of eating that I go a little dissociative and scarf the food down.  I'm usually kinda checked out.  This is why I like to read with a book in my hand.